Truth About A Bi

In a relationship..

2012-02-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

..so I made a choice and he chose me too. We are in a relationship and I couldn't be happier. =)

Choices

2011-12-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

Dan or Nathan? I thought I made up my mind a few weeks ago that I would stick to Dan and for the most part I did. Nathan is quickly becoming a good good friend and I don't want to ruin that. Well one drunk night we were texting each other back and forth and yeah, its hard to deny there's something there. But we'll see what happens I guess, he's such a good guy and deserves better than I can currently offer him...

Dan..well let's just say things are good with him. He actually came with me when I had to travel for work, that was so sweet of him. I mean he knew I wouldn't be able to spend much time with him due to work but he still came with. We constantly miss each other and try to see each other as much as possible, but with the holidays kicking in full gear, it's going to be hard and I need to realize that. The other day/night I was a bit irritated that he didn't drop by on his way home but I really shouldn't have been. I don't know, I just really really like Dan. I don't even know why because I feel like I have more in common with Nathan. But with Dan, there's just this connection. I can't describe it but when we fool around, it feels different. Dare I say it, it's not sex with him, it feels like we're making..well I don't want to even type it but you get the idea. I'm still waiting on him to make things official but a guy can only wait so long and I feel like Nathan is pursuing me more. He knows the situation and we discussed being friends is more important..but who knows what will happen.

I hate making choices..especially when the choice made can hurt someone else

Refreshing..

2011-12-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

So its not confusing, I'm going to assign the boy a name, let's call him Dan. So Dan and I had our first sort of fight, I don't know if you'd call it a fight though. Basically he had told me his friend convinced him to text his ex because the ex had been asking about him. Long story short, he told me that his ex wanted to hangout and naturally I got a bit jealous. Needless to say, it came out and he didn't like it. After he said what he had to say, I did get over it, but it still bugged/bugs him and he confessed that to me. We went over some stuff and I told him why I felt the way I did. I think we got pass it and I told him we're good until he gives me a reason for us to not be good. We established where we are in our "relationship" and we're still not rushing it. I'm further along than he is, but that's okay, I'll give him the time he needs. It just sucks that we live so far apart BUT we do pretty well and see each other at least once a week or once every other week. Mostly more than that though. This thing we got going is definitely refreshing and a good change of pace for me.

In other news, the other guy, let's call him Nathan...is good. I'm trying my best to not develop feelings for him, but he makes it so hard for me. He's away on a trip so that helps that we haven't hung out or talked, save a few texts here and there. Honestly, I have more feelings for Dan, but that's because the thing with Nathan is so new..its whatever really, I'm just going with the flow.

In other other news, I'm devoting myself to my body again because I've been neglecting it and that ain't cool.

Later bros

progress...

2011-11-28T13:57:00.001-08:00

So the boy and I have been making progress. He texted me randomly one night confessing that I am now the only guy he has been talking to for awhile. We spent a night last week together and then spent the entire next day together and it was amazing. Just laying next to each other we never wanted to be apart. I have one really cute memory of him to where I was going to do something and he's like don't do it, don't do it and when I replay the moment back in my head, its definitely a cute memorable moment. Something you'd see in one of those lovey dovey shows/movies. We still aren't official but we are at a really good place and we'll see where it goes from here...

...one thing that sucks is I've gotten really close to a new friend of mine. We like seriously went from meeting and barely talking to hanging out and being real good friends. Cut to one night where we went out together and we both crashed at our friends on the couch together and I was like we're cuddling, only because I really like cuddling. Anyways we ended up kissing...no big deal though because we stopped it and I said I can't and he said yeah I don't want to be the other guy...but then I said well my boy is talking to other guys and he told me that. We kissed again but stopped again. Needless to say, this friend was someone I never thought anything about. But that night...something just clicked. Now I don't know, I'm still way into my guy and don't want to ruin anything with him, but my friend is really amazing as well. The text about being the only he's talking to now was sent recently. What do I do?

I think I'm just going to let things progress naturally..

"Angel"

2011-11-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

So things are going ok with the boy. He opened up to me and told me he doesn't believe me half the time and it bothered me for a whole day so I told him that the next time we talked. We went back and forth opening up to each other and I think we're at a better place now. Now I'm still pretty insecure about the other guy he's talking to (yes I'm glad he's honest about it) and I don't know why I am because everyone's told me he's not cute. Again, could just be my friends saying that you know. Anyways, the boy doesn't believe the "angel act" I put on, he thinks I'm not normal. I told him honestly, its not an act and I don't play games, but he has a hard time believing that. I went on to explain the past experiences I have and why I am the way I am. Now its really just up to him to believe me or not, right? I'm easing up on him though, I don't want him to be overwhelmed and like I said in my other post, if I move on, then I move on. Not saying I want to move on, but like I said I don't like to play games and he says he doesn't either, but sometimes I feel like he is. Trust is so hard to build and we're working on building it with each other. Slowly I guess right? I like the place we are at, but I don't like feeling insecure and that's all my fault really, it goes away everytime we talk, but when we don't, it comes back. What's wrong with me?

=) =(

2011-11-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

Ugh so I've been up and down with my moods, mostly up though. So me and the boy see each other every week at least once if not twice, which is actually really good for how busy we both are and how far apart we are. Anyways, the time we spend together is really amazing, we open up to each other and talk so easily, I'm really comfortable around him and it seems like he is the same with me. There definitely is more of a connection there or at least I feel that way. Anyways he spent the night last night and no we didn't have sex, though we did fool around. I told myself no sex unless we're in a committed relationship and I hope he gets that. We've held hands, which to me is very intimate and I've met his best friend, which is another big thing to me. It may sound like I'm trying to rush things but I'm really not. I like where we are but at the same time would like more. Again really not trying to rush it and I know he's been honest that he is/has talked to other guys and I've been honest too. I just felt so comfortable with him when he spent the night and he even made my bed. It's definitely hard to explain but I don't know, I just see more in him than most guys. At the same time I know he's young and gots a ways to go, but you know, I like to think I'm a catch and for me once I move on, I MOVE ON! I don't like to waste time either and he and I both agreed on that.

Maybe I'm just overthinking things, mainly it happened because I hate seeing when he becomes friends with another gay guy. I know I know so stupid, but dude honestly can you blame me knowing how permsicuous gay guys are? Really, how do you get over it? I keep trying to but I just hate the idea of thinking about a guy I'm seeing, seeing another gay guy. Actually, I've even been jealous with girls I've talked to hanging out with guys I know. Maybe I'm just the jealous type? But really, I do want to get that out of me, so how do you not be jealous? Please anyone tell me so I can learn to be ok with whoever I'm dating, making new "friends."

The boy

2011-10-27T10:24:00.000-07:00

Things are going good between me and the boy. We talk here and there when we can. We've seen each other 3 times in the past 2 weeks which is pretty good considering our busy lives and how far we are from each other. I'm hoping to see him this week again. I'm trying to work on my insecurities as I go along because I need to realize that we aren't serious and so he's allowed to do whatever he wants and I can't be jealous, right? I also need to realize with gay guys, they have gay friends but it doesn't mean they're sleeping with them...but it's just so difficult because I now have gay friends and being more exposed to the community, I can see how everyone is connected to everyone through hookups. It's really disturbing to me and it's probably the main thing I hate about the gays. YES HATE, not dislike, HATE. It's gross and it's exactly why gays get a bad rep.

Anyways, so I'm doing good and not rushing things with the boy. He and I have only kissed/made out on 2 of the 3 times we've met up, on the first night and the time after breakfast. I just need to stop being insecure, but it's hard because I'm not use to a guy actually liking me back. I mean he tells me he wants to see me before work so I made the effort to leave for work early. He texts me to come back after we met up. He tells me I'm cute all the time. So yeah I should be confident right? I got issues I know. It's okay, I'm working on it and I'm happy with whats happening right now. I just hope he sees we'd be pretty good for each other right now.

On another note, my friend told me a lot of guys have came up to him and told him that I'm cute...weird because he and I aren't that close so why are they telling him instead of my other friends and weird that I'm getting checked out lol. So not use to it, but I like it. I'm just being me too so that's a plus. Well I got lots to take care of today, hope everyone is doing just as well as me if not better!

I'M OUT, HOLLAH

First kiss

2011-10-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

So my last blog was on monday and I wrote about that boy I was talking to, remember? Anyways that night I had volleyball and he apparently was going to be in town to pick some stuff up. I decided to invite him to my game and he said maybe. After the 1st game, I checked my phone and he had texted how long the game would be so I told him and had to get back to start game 2. Nevertheless he didn't show BUT he said he'd wait for me, I had to ref another match. That match seemed to take forever!

After the match, I quickly head over to where he's at and I'm nervous as hell. Well we finally meet and we just talk and talk and talk. Few awkward silences here and there, but not so much, for the most part we had an amazing conversation and it was hella late already so we decided we both needed to start our drives home, I was half an hour away and he was 2 hours away just about. So anyways we hug (I think he was going in for a kiss)...but then we look at each other as we let go and then we kissed. Needless to say it was amazing. There's nothing like a first kiss.

I miss him and we still text and skype when we can. I hope to see him again soon, he's sweet and we just get along fine. I'm not nervous talking to him and its just easy. Not to mention, the guy is hung, no I didn't see it but through our hug I could definitely feel the boy is packing! Not like that's a major thing, but hey its a plus right?

Alright got shit to do, peace!

Live, laugh, love

2011-10-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, been busy enjoying life and of course working as well. Man its been a crazy month, still talking to that new boy in my life. He's awesome and I have no idea where its going but I like where I'm at and just going with it. We haven't met officially but we've skyped and we've talked and texted. He might not be the smarter choice between the two guys I'm in to but at least he's single unlike the other guy. So as far as moving I still have yet to find a place, it sucks! Buying a house is a whole lot harder than it seems, but yeah I need to move pronto. In other news, my volleyball league is coming to an end, tonight is the last game and we're in last place but if we win this game straight out we'll end up 3rd I believe (there's 6 teams in the league). It's crazy how close the competition is but this will determine seedings for playoffs which start next week. I've gotten all star once and best defense once. Tonight I'ma pull it out and get all star. I just hope after that major kill I got last week my setter will trust me more and actually give me more sets. Ok so that's it pretty much, nothing new or exciting just living life and enjoying every moment of it. Hope everyone else is doing just as well, if not better!

Peace!

=)

2011-09-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

I am officially over Vin! Took awhile and sure he will always have a place in my heart because honestly I did care for the kid.

So on to other things, I still need to move and really need to do it quickly. I've met several guys who are potential options and I'm just going with the flow with each of them. Though one guy does have a lot of my attention right now, but I'm not going to fall quickly ever again.

As of this moment I am completely and utterly happy again. I have had some amazing times recently with family, friends, and even strangers. Its amazing how blessed I am and you know what, I try every day to realize that. Moving forward in life, I'm excited for the possibilities.

In other news, anyone in the vegas area? I'll be there the 24th weekend

Later bros

HATE

2011-08-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

So I've only told this story to maybe like 3 or so close friends...its a rough story so for those who can't handle a true event like this, then stop reading.

So...one night I was on some app and I thought I'd just say hi to this straight guy. Didn't think anything of it, but he seemed curious after awhile so you know, I was being nice and offered to just help him out. After not responding, later that night I get a message on the app. Its him and he says he wants to try it out. Well, you know how meeting up with a stranger is, always scary and shit right? I met him outside my complex so that way it was public and safe. He seemed cool enough so we went back to my place. He was nervous and so was I, but long story short, I gave him head. He got off and I handed him a towel to clean up. It seemed he was ready to go so I go to open the door to let him out and just as I opened the door, he sucker punched me.

Now I have good instincts so after that punch that he barely connected on, but he did get a decent hit, I began to protect myself obviously and he was pounding away but surpisingly it didn't hurt and I managed to get away but he was still in the apartment looking for stuff and I didn't know what was happening. It was all a blur but I remember he told me to shut up and I just kept telling him to just leave and why he was doing what he was doing. I told him the door is open my neighbors can hear everything. That didn't stop him and although he wasn't hitting me, he still was threatening me. I finally convinced him to leave by offering my ps3. He got that and left. I looked all over for my phone and thought he had gotten that as well. So I immediately bricked it but then realized it was in the other room. I was happy it was still there, but the damage was done. I could care less about the physical abuse I just underwent, but I lost saved messages and pictures that I couldn't get back. I was robbed of precious moments that I can't ever get back.

I didn't report it because one, it was not worth reporting (I can't really explain why but just believe me) otherwise I would. Now if you're reading this, please don't comment telling me what I should or should not have done. Don't tell me I brought it on myself, I already know that. It was tough enough to tell anyone let alone write it on here.

So the purpose of this entry..to let you know what exists out there. More than anything, this event broke my heart and made me stronger as an individual. Breaks my heart to know how far we have yet to go in society and makes me stronger in knowing that I can now sympathize more with the gay community. You say you can sympathize just because you are gay, but you really don't know the hate that exists until you feel it both physically and emotionally. Harsh statement, but its the truth and if you don't like, then fuck off!

need to move stat

2011-08-17T22:15:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of commuting and need to move already and now my backup plan of moving in with a friend is no longer since he found a roomie. Could have been fun too, he's so funny! He says we should start hanging more once I move and I agree. No there is no attraction there, he's a good looking guy, but we don't and will never feel that way about each other, he's just a bro for sure. Now I'm almost over Vin, but every now and then you know I think about the kid, sucks but what you going to do bout it. Speaking being about it, there's this hot straight (and now curious) hockey player I met online. After I talked to him, now he's kinda curious haha, what is it with me and the straight guys who want to try it with me?

Anyways, I'm kinda jonesin for this guy but he has a bf. Still either he's always flirty or there's something there. I mean who chooses to stay and talk with me when everyone he knows is leaving. Why text me when the bf leaves or why text me all day? It's just kind of weird, but whatever, he's a good guy and his bf is drama! I would never break up a couple (at least not anymore) and I'm focusing on myself.

A friend told you can't love someone unless you have your shit together so I'm going to take that advice to heart.

Later bros and hoes

ups and downs

2011-08-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

I've been going through a roller coaster of a life lately. As you all know, I am no longer communicating with Vin. You know I didn't think it was that bad between us. I honestly felt like we would stay friends and be cool with one another. Then something happened that just literally broke my heart even more. I was on facebook and going through the usual posts and what not and then I was like "oh I wonder how Vin is doing." Then yep, he did the unexpected (well to me at least), he unfriended me. Now I know that shouldn't be anything big, but honestly if you only knew how much I really cared for this guy. I would have done anything for him, I know way too early on, but the talks we had and the night we spent together...it was all so different and in a good way. It felt like a movie and it definitely did not have a happy ending. Now, him unfriending me was probably for the best, but you know it hurt and still hurts. I'm writing this because I need to get this off my chest. I recently broke down and texted him last week letting him know I was hurt by what he did and obviously no response, but at least he knows. Now whether he re-enters my life or not, thats up to him. I will always care for the kid though despite whatever happened and whatever he did.

So whats the ups, well I'm currently in the process of finding a place to live in the city that's close by. I already transferred jobs there so now I just commute. Recently joined an adult sports league. I miss being on a team and I did so bad at open gym, I didn't think they'd let me in but apparently they thought otherwise. Had my first game this monday and despite the loss, I know I'm slowly getting back my skills. I just gotta get my endurance and jump back and we'll be ok. By the way its volleyball if you were curious and don't fucking judge me, its a tough sport, come play with me and I'll show you.

Also, recently I'm focusing on myself and not wanting anything serious or anyone for that matter. Funny how it works out that now I'm getting hit on. It could be because the whole Vin thing led me to getting back in shape.

Oh and one thing that annoyed me, I went to a gay bar and was trying to talk to some dude but he used the whole I have a bf. Anyways, I'm dancing with my friends and my close friend decides to take my shirt off and push me on to this box to dance. I'm pretty damn drunk because we were drinking for hours before we went out and so I was like whatever. I sober up and realize what a fool I am and get down, put on my shirt and guess who walks up to me, that fucker I was talking to. Fucking annoying as hell that once he saw what I have under, he talks to me. First off, yes I have a nice body even though you may not be able to tell right away.

One other surprise, I sent LA (remember him, the one with the australian bf) a dick pic only because it was the only way to make him forgive me for something. I sent it and he's all "wow." Apparently it was a good wow and a pleasant surprise to him. Its funny how people under estimate me, I guess I'm a little bit of surprise.

On that note, peace out fuckers, go suck a dick!

Moving on!

2011-07-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

Its taking bit of time, but I'm moving on from Vin. All I can say about that is that I tried. He's in a relationship now so I'm happy for him, I hope he's happy.

Lots of stuff has been going on in my life and it's really just getting more and more exciting. Sometimes I think I stay busy to keep my mind off things and yes I do but at the same time, when I really think about it, I should be happy with everything going on with me. First off, I finally got a transfer so that move I told you guys about, its happening. I'm in the process of trying to find a place, whether to rent or buy is up in the air but I've found a few places I would like to buy and a few places I'd like to rent. Right now I'm seeing what I can get pre-approved for...I'm hoping for around 350k-400k but more realistically it'll probably be 250k. We'll see what happens. All I know is I'm going to be a ton happier living in a city...well its not that big a city but still better than the rut of a town I'm in now (actually I don't mind where I'm at, there's just not many people here and yes it is kinda ghetto and scary lol).

Next exciting thing, my company is finally going to be up and running real soon. I'd rather not tie it into this blog (sorry), but its an amazing concept that let's just let's me finally help people on a more grand scale. Yes, we're going in a direction that I hope people understand. Freelance artists please get in touch with me, I could use a few.

Quick update on my life, I was nice and rented out a cabin for my entire family for July 4th weekend. It was so much fun having my siblings all together (minus one brother who couldn't get off work) and having all my nieces and nephews, and my mom just all in one cabin having a blast. So much fun and the drinking/bonding late at night was absolute bliss. To top it off, I took shots with my mom (she turned 72 yesterday) as we surprised her at dinner with an early birthday cake. I have a pic with my mom and I taking a shot, its blurry but it's totes awesome. (lol totes..only one reader will get this inside joke haha)

So whats next in life for me? I'm not sure, but I'm ready for a man, only one requirement, be able to keep up with me because I'm destined for big things!

broken heart and emotional mess

2011-06-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in awhile but I need someone to go to...

So the guy I was slowly falling for and letting my guards down really tore me apart. I don't even know how it got to that but I've been a mess the past month and have been forcing myself to appear happy, but the truth is I am really depressed. Its gotten really bad and I don't know what to do anymore. I work to keep myself busy and not think and have tried ignoring vin. It works for awhile and then he texts me things that I feel like he's not allowed to do. He can't call me the names I told him make me smile, he can't say he misses me, he can't tell me to have a good day...he just can't do all this to me when he knows I like him but he chose to date someone else. Why is he even trying to talk to me still when he completely blocked his facebook wall/friend posts.

To top it all off, every single one of my friends is now paired up and I'm the last single. Makes it even harder to hangout and go out. So whats a guy to do?

The only good news is that the project I've been working on might take off soon and hopefully it does. One down side is the guy I'm working on this project with, I think I might like him and I doubt he'd ever be into me.

Any advice you can give me would help. I'm just tired of being alone! =(

vin and the blog

2011-04-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

So we haven't met yet, it got postponed but I'm hoping soon to meet this amazing guy. I brought up the future and he mentions that I could bring him and I tell him if he's around still to which he replies "why wouldn't I be around?" Gosh (i picked this up from him lol), the things he says from time to time are so sweet. But I don't know yet, I still have my guards up, just a tad bit. When I look back at it, I think I'm trying to rush into things and he's not, which is funny because I tend to be the opposite and not rush into things.

I've been considering taking this blog down for quite some time, I don't think anyone really reads it anymore anyways. Haven't gotten any questions to post answers for and hardly any comments. Sure this blog was a way for me to express myself, but it was also a way to connect to others like myself. Now that I'm more out than before and have grown pretty comfortable as to who I am, I just don't think I need the blog. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I need to just let it out, but I have outlets (friends) that I can do that now. So this maybe my last post but who knows...

smitten...UPDATE to losing control

2011-04-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so smitten right now. Just got done with a skype date with the guy I've been talking about. Let's call him D. D is so awesome and cute, we skyped for 2 hours just talking about random stuff and what not, we get along so well. We should be seeing each other soon and hopefully often. I'm getting this feeling that we might end up in a relationship. Today he mentioned being there to protect me, I forgot how it came up, but he said he wouldn't let anything happen to me (I did insist that I could take care of myself, but it was a nice gesture). Today was probably one of the best days with D, even though it wasn't in person because we texted a lot, we talked a bit on the phone, and we skyped for a long time. I don't want to overdo it and then have nothing left to talk about.

update/edit 4/16
well this was the weekend my boy was suppose to come by and spend time with me. I even took today off and switched shifts (making my week more stressful than necessary) for him. Sadly, he couldn't come due to some monetary inconveniences though he does insist I will get to see him. I don't know...I really really like this guy and like get the whole butterfly feeling in the stomach and fuck I just want to meet him already. We still text and he's still sweet but man sometimes he just doesn't text back and I know its because he's out with friends but a simple text back saying he's busy is not that much right? I'm going to try and not text him at all today and see what happens. I feel stupid and am sorta hurting inside but hey I've dealt with this before. My friend (I've mentioned him here before), K, well lets just call him Kevin, told me this "if you find someone, cool, if not, who cares? let's live our fucking lives." That got me thinking about not really putting so much effort into this guy.

Furthermore, you all know there's a second guy I'm sorta talking to as well. He's so sweet but always busy which is completely understandable because he's busy with school and what not. But even with him, he texts back at least later (well I guess I can't hold texting back later against facebook guy because eventually he does). But this other guy...hmmm lets call him Chris, he's super sweet. For me, the little things matter and we were chatting one time and he mentioned how he applied for a internship in my town even though he didn't really want to but he did because he figured at least I'll be there. That totally made my night after having a rough time with facebook guy (I'm just going to call him Vin).

I don't know. I think I'm just tired of being single and wanting to jump into a relationship but its making me needy. Oh and then there's this girl, one of my best friends actually who now I believe has genuine feelings for me. Fuck, as much as I love her I just don't know if I can travel down that road just yet. I don't expect her to wait for me but man its a rough position because my entire family approves of her and seriously, she's been like the fake girlfriend I bring out everywhere and we sleep over at each other's places and we use to have each other's keys...omg I don't even know what to do anymore.

I'M A COMPLETE AND UTTER EMOTIONAL WRECK. CAN SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF! SERIOUSLY ALL THIS SHIT AND WORK ON TOP OF IT IS REALLY GETTING TO ME AND I'M ABOUT TO SPIRAL BACK DOWN TO WHERE I WAS..

facebook guy

2011-04-05T01:02:00.001-07:00

So remember the guy I talked about in my last post, well we have a weekend planned and I can't wait until that weekend we meet. If that goes well I will be seeing him the following weekend as well. I seriously am starting to like him and I hope he is starting to feel the same way. He says he does and mentions dating me and what not so we'll see. Look out for an update in 2 or so weeks about my relationship status. I really hope everything works out, wish me luck guys! He is the all american, snow boarder, ambitious, likes the same things, has an interesting background, and the list goes on..kinda guy for me. I love waking up to his texts and going to sleep to them. My wall is slowly falling apart and I'm scared but excited. I'm trying to learn to trust that he won't hurt me and hope that he is into me as much as I am into him. I think I'm smitten right now and I wouldn't have it any other way.

new boy

2011-03-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

Ugh so I met this amazingly wonderful guy online on facebook last week. I ran into his profile and thought why not poke him. Well one poke let to another poke which led to messaging, to skyping, to now texting. He is so damn cute and hot and he thinks I'm really cute too. I've learned so much about him already and it's only been 1 week today since we met online. I don't know what it is about him but I like him and I think he knows that. Well I don't want to let my guards down because I don't want to get hurt but I slowly did the other night and guess what, you got it, I got hurt. Well maybe I'm making a bigger deal than it is but he was just MIA sorta and he seemed out of it in his texts. He probably was drunk or high, which I hope is the case, and not with another guy..but I can't hold that against him he his far away and its not like we're dating. Ahhh its just so frustrating because I really like this kid and I feel like he may like me but I don't know. I'm so confused. There's also this other guy, utterly amazing as well and he for sure is into me and I could be into him too! I don't even know, this is why I gave up dating its so annoying and I honestly don't want to let my guards down and get hurt. Facebook guy hasn't even responded to my text this morning but he has poked me back on facebook which I don't get. I hate games and worst of all, I hate lies and broken promises. Been through it and done that and surprise surprise, both guys have broken a promise.

This sucks, why can't there be one guy out there? Just one is all I ask for and God knows I've been patient and nice. I guess nice guys really do finish last..

potluck

2011-02-18T08:35:00.001-08:00

So I woke up early to cook for a potluck at work today because I was too tired last night to do it. Anyways, as I'm cutting up the ingredients dumb ass me also slices a part of my pointing finger. GREAT! No it didn't get in the food. Here I am typing this now and the bleeding stopped thank god! It was a pretty deep cut but nothing I can't handle on my own. I just felt stupid because it happened as I was swiping to clean my cutting board and I brushed it against the knife. And of course, I have a wusthof knife set so you could imagine how incredibly sharp it was. It cut through me like I was butter lol.

Anyways in other news, I may be moving soon. Not far but to a city sort of. I hope it works out because then I could hangout with this closeted jock that's there but due to the distance we haven't yet. He's way hot. All american, in shape, blonde/blue, you know typical jock, 100% my type.

Also I'm attempting to grow my hair out and I'm liking the results thus far. Here comes the bieber look lol.

Peacefully in the night..

2011-02-10T01:01:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of you out there pray but if you do please send some towards my family's dog. She is in her final stages and I would love for her to go peacefully in her sleep rather than putting her down. Please pray that she goes peacefully. I could go into tons and tons of stories about how awesome she has been but I can't bear to go through the emotions anymore than I am now. Any prayer is appreciated, thanks guys and gals.

May you go peacefully in the night baby girl, I love you with all my heart..

better now

2011-02-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm doing a bit better, but still going through with the motions. I don't really feel like writing a long post and have nothing to post about really. If you have any questions, feel free to email me. Once I get enough questions I'll post a Q&A post. Until then shout out to Secrets of an All American, hope you're doing well, we haven't talked in a long time..

so many emtions

2011-02-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

So a lot has happened since the last post. First off some readers have contacted me and they're pretty cool guys and we text here and there. I'm actually hoping to meet one, but we'll see what happens, won't say more on him until I get a green light from him because I respect his and any other person's privacy. Next thing is I'm kinda bummed about a few things and its hard to stay positive amongst all of it. I'm really pushing through it though because I want to stay positive this year, I really do.

Well I got family issues and I feel like its the same stuff over and over and everyone always thinks its ok to tell me and thats fine I get it, they can tell me anything, but sometimes I'd like one person to actually sit and maybe talk to me and listen to me about me. This is why I love my sister in law, she is the only person that asks me about things and I really on spill to her, she is even very cool about the whole guy situation. Anytime I get to know a girl I sort of compare them to her, I know somewhat bad but not really if you knew my sister in law.

Next issue, I got a friend and everyone is always saying how me and her will end up together and we're perfect for each other. Sometimes I see it and sometimes I'm just like no way. Truth be told, I just don't know if I've gotten too close to her to see her in that way. We literally hangout a bunch and recently she has been coming to my family functions and I feel like everyone is so comfortable with her already, its just weird. If I may be so bold, I'm just afraid if we tried anything, I wouldn't be able to get it going you know..and that would deflate my ego. So I don't know what to do when it comes to her.

Baggage 3, I love reading all these posts about guys and starting to date and what not, but I can't help but feel jealous...sad I know. I feel like I've been so patient but nothing has come out of it. I don't know why I can't just find the one person I'm meant to be with.

Baggage 4, my family's dog is nearing her end and I am doing ok now but I know when it happens I will be a wreck. What do I do? She's not just a dog to me and I know its bound to happen but I can't let go just yet..

Baggage 5, I can't stand my coworker/boss. I have tried and tried but I just don't think we mix. There are just some people out there you will never get along with no matter how much you try and God knows I have tried my best. I don't know what else to do and my one coworker I vented to tonight even told me she has never seen me like this because I don't normally get frustrated with anyone. See I'm really a nice chill guy that loves to laugh, joke around, and live life. And honestly for me to get down and frustrated takes a lot, a whole lot but she has managed to do that to me.

So that's all my emotions or baggage, or whatever you want to call it. I guess right now all i want is just a friend (boyfriend maybe) to lean on. Thank God I have this blog to vent..

I'm really sorry for this post, I don't think its what any of you want to hear.

If you got to this part though, please email and ask me questions, I'd love to answer whatever you guys would like to know about me

My perfect guy

2011-01-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

So I was suppose to not date anyone until August of this year because I wanted to give up dating for a whole year and focus on myself. Well I think I'm ready to let go and just see what happens. I thought I'd post what I would ideally like in a guy or girl, right now though I feel like a guy so I can see how it works..

My perfect guy:

Physically I want a guy that's taller than me, I'm 5'8 almost 5'9 I think so taller than that for sure. I am attracted to white guys with a little bit of muscle, doesn't need to be a lot but you know just athletic in some way. I like guys with short to medium hair, blonde or brown, facial scruff is a turn on but not a must. He has to have nice eyes and a killer smile wouldn't hurt.

Style wise I would like a guy who has some style but not overly crazy. Just someone who takes care of themselves and it shows in their appearance. I want a guy who dresses like a dude though don't get me wrong haha. He can be whatever style really hip hop, rockish, preppy, whatever really.

Personality wise, he has to be outgoing. I'm already shy enough so can't have two of us. He must like going out but also wouldn't mind staying home at times. He definitely needs to be family oriented because family is huge to me. As such, I would like him to at least be open to the idea of kids because I would like a family if things got to that point. He must be religious, either Catholic or Christian, ideally Christian because I have been thinking heavily on converting from Catholic to Christian. Pretty similar I know. He has to understand that I do think of myself as bi and he shouldn't have a problem with that.

Other things I would like would be for him to be ambitious and either have a career or is pursuing one. He doesn't have to make a lot of money considering I probably support us both but he can't be lazy. Whatever he does, I just want him to do what he loves to do. Hmm...anything else I'm missing? Oh he must like to travel and not be afraid to be adventurous or spontaneous. It would be nice for him to cook but not necessary since I can handle that department as long as he does the dishes. He sould like videogames, like Call of Duty: Black Ops. Snowboarder would be a plus for sure. He should like sports but doesn't need to be a fanatic but he can be one if he already is.

I think that's a pretty exhaustive list already...now where is this guy at? Oh that's right, I have no idea. If you know, can you please let me know?

cute guy

2011-01-17T02:52:00.000-08:00

So today..er rather yesterday..I met up with my family for lunch. They had already ordered since I was running late (showed up in gym shorts and a long sleeve...mind you it is winter..lol). Anyways first thing I notice is the waiter for our table and I kid you not, he was way cute. As he came back more and more, I couldn't help but be all lame and at a lost for words at times haha. He flashed a smile and that just was it, he easily places in my top 5 cutest guys of all time haha. Strange enough he reminds me of AGD. Needless to say, I will be returning to that place soon and see how things play out..sort of got a vibe but ain't so sure.

In other news, considering starting a new blog still and having my face on that one...thoughts?

2011

2011-01-05T01:19:00.000-08:00

Its only a few days in the new year and I've already bagged 2 straight guys haha. Guy 1 I've been in contact with since August but we finally met up since I was in his area. When I got to his place I immediately noticed all the trophies. Apparently he does martial arts and competes, he always got 1st place too! Needless to say he had an amazing body. Well I won't go into details but I'm sure you would like those details but lets just say it was a fun night. He knew what he was doing.

Guy #2 I've met up before and I guess he was horny because he messaged me out of no where. Anyways he came over and long story short, we had our "magnum" fun.

2011 Looks like its going to be a good one but I think this year I might want something more meaningful. I do have a guy who's way into me it looks like but I just don't know if I feel the same way yet. He's cool and all but not really my type. Is it so hard to find a white guy who's straight acting, would be down to do what I do like grab a beer, play videogames, go on adventures, snowboard, try new things and so on. If any of you got any leads, LET ME KNOW!

christmas time

2010-12-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

So its that time of year again and man this year has gone by so fast. Its been fun but when I compare this year to last, it hasn't really even compared. Sure it started off well with trips to L.A. and Utah but has kind of fizzled at the end. Next year for sure I'm going to do bigger and better things. As far as this blog, I just might start a new one and get rid of the being discreet thing you know. I'm far more open about being bi and I love how girls are finding it a challenge and trying to convert me to solely being straight. I won't be writing anything about hook ups anymore (maybe a slight mention of it) but nothing in detail and no actual pics of anyone (similar pics maybe).

Next year I hope to find God again. And I'd honestly like to meet up with one blogger/follower, I think that'd be pretty legit, don't you? I know I got plans to visit Florida, possibly New York, possibly Europe. But we'll see how the year plays out. I do have to pour funds into a house and into a business so we'll see how everything plays out. Also every year I'm determined to find a relationship but it never happens. 2008 I almost did twice and 2009 almost did again and 2010 well I met one real legit cool guy but he moved away, but he'll be back in 2011. I don't know maybe I should just give up and get with this one girl who everything could work out pretty well with...but I feel like its not fair to not try having a bf and seeing how that goes first...

changes

2010-12-04T00:48:00.000-08:00

So tonight I decided I need some change in my life, drastic changes. Not sure exactly what but something just needs to happen. First off, I've been debating to close this blog for quite sometime and some things have come up that just makes sense to exit this blog entirely. We'll see though what happens. If anything I would like to make a new blog that wouldn't document hookups. I don't know, maybe I'm confused what I want to do..

Shout out to "Through the eyes of a masculine gay guy." I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and feel very jealous, YES JEALOUS, of what you have been able to experience lately. I'm battling the idea leaping and doing what you did because I really want to but I don't know if I'm ready and I would hate to not fully give my all.

Geez I don't know whats going on with me lately but I feel stuck...

New direction

2010-11-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

No no I'm not going to blog about Glee, though I do love the show and for those who are too "manly" to watch it, get over yourself. The new direction is that I don't think I'm going to talk about who I hook up with anymore and I know that's kind of what everyone wants to read (maybe I'll mention it) but I won't go into details that's for sure.

Anyways onto the topic of "too manly." Honestly, people need to get over being one way or the other, just be who you are! If you like sports, you like sports, if you like fashion, you like fashion. I myself like everything and can go either way on lots of things. I don't keep myself in a box and I never will. I constantly change and I dress in every style possible from urban to hip hop to preppy to rock star-ish. I had a conversation with a friend recently about it and she was like "yeah you do, but i like it, you're never boring." Honestly I just don't think we need to define ourselves to be one way, diversity is the spice of life right?

Well I told myself I'd use today's extra hour to be productive. So until next time bros.

Peaceeeee

Inebriated state of mind

2010-09-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

So I celebrated my birthday this past weekend. Had 3 nights of outings. The first night was completely unplanned and it as fun as it was, it was a normal chill night. Went to a local lounge to meet up with a coworker and first thing that happens is a black girl dances right up on me. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some chocolate, but this girls ass was not right at all. She did do some interesting things but man, it was not my cup of tea at all. The night ended like usual with cops outside and me and my friends on our usual trip to get late night grub, delicious.

Outing number 2 was dinner. Now let me start off by writing how much I dislike flakes. There's one to say you're not going from the get go, but there's another thing to say you're going and insist you're going and then flake last minute. It is especially aggravating when you have dinner reservations. Anyways, dinner was delicious and everyone had an awesome time. The waiter genuinely believed I was turning 21 and for those readers who have seen a pic of me, you know I do look much much younger than my actual age. After dinner, a few of us hit up a local bar. It was a mix of gay and straight folks and was pretty chill. Seeing ripped guys act girly is something I don't think I can get used to, its just so paradoxical (is that a word?). Considering we were in the gay district of the city, we just decided to stay around the area and went to a gay club, not my favorite if I had to choose where to go. Did get a free drink though. Then went next door to a gay bar, which I would rather chill at just because its much more chill. By now I'm completely trashed and wanted to dance since its been ages. I'm quite a dirty dancer and yeah, anyways made out with my friend at times, she's fun. The bar closed and people were gathered outside and we met hella strangers. One guy ended up knowing a fraternity brother of mine and he was really cool. Somehow we ended up making out. Man I couldn't even remember his name until I asked my friend the next day. She claims he was cute so that's a good thing and I confirmed that he was when I went on facebook and looked through my friend's page lol. Anyways at the end of the night we went somewhere else and things from this on are blurry. I just remember being annoyed by some guy who had a little too much confidence, ended up making out slightly though. Anyways, long story short, I'm a slutty drunk, nah just wanted some birthday makeout sessions haha.

Outing number 3 was dinner but with other family. Then I hung out with my brother and my coworker who are now semi dating thanks to me. Overall it was a successful birthday weekend. Now onto this weekend in Vegas for another celebration of my birthday haha. Yep I go all out.

Any readers out in Vegas, hit me up on my email. I'll get it on my phone.

Alright laters bros.

anyone still read this?

2010-09-23T11:14:00.001-07:00

Hello? Just wondering if I still had any followers. I know its been a long time since I posted but man I've been working like mad. Seriously been pulling 7 days in a row, 8 days in a row, 13 days in a row. I feel like I've had only 8 days or so off the past 2 months. INTENSE, but it has helped me with finances, sorta. So I'll save you all the boring stuff and talk about the guys you want to hear about. I get confused myself about the guys I've talked about so the guy who I said looks like Fin from Glee texted me recently. He apparently has some stuff for me so I have to go visit. Its been rough with him being that he has a bf in Australia and all.

I did meet a new guy, a guy who's new to it all. He's not out due to his occupation and I wasn't going to meet up with him because the pic he texted me wasn't all that great but I took a chance. He came over and man he's pretty cute at times lol. The best thing about him is he's a guy's guy. We have a lot in common..only thing is he's so new to it that I think he's just looking to mess around which is fine by me. I'm trying not to fall for him but its hard when we have similar interests. He doesn't fit the exact type I like but he makes up for it in other ways. Definitely learned to give people a chance because you'd be quite surprised.

Anyways just a brief update as to what I've been up to. I've been good too about working out at least twice a week which for me is good since I got that high metabolism thing going on.

Oh if there are any fellow bloggers or followers that want to chat hit me up sometime. Discreetbiguy08@gmail.com I promise I don't bite and will respond to everyone.

Adios bros

K2

2010-07-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

So I know I've been MIA but man I've been busy with work and life, you know the usual. I'm trying to slowly piece myself back together because really I need to manage my time better. Also I need to manage my money better. It looks like I'll be breaking the 100g mark for the year soon. Crazy huh and to think more than half of that went to taxes...hence I feel poor. Anyways I'm sure that's not what you readers want to hear about.

In interesting news I've been ignoring K2 on purpose and he texted me outta nowhere saying he got me the shirt I wanted. I didn't respond because I was tired and was sleeping. He then texts me the next morning saying umm hello. I didn't respond right away because I was at work. I know its just a quick hi to text back but work gets busy so yeah. Also, dude I'm trying to not have feelings for him. We'll see how things go, but I don't know I think I'm over trying, I just want one guy right now.

Shout out to for an awesome blog. If I were Ross, I'm pretty sure I'd be pretty happy with that situation, save the age thing but who knows, he sounds hot for an older guy.

Alright bros, I'm outta here, until next time

PAYCEEEE

Kissing/Making Out

2010-06-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

There's nothing hotter to me than making out. It is absolutely my favorite thing to do with a girl or guy. The differences between the two are there and I like those differences. With a girl, its more sensual, soft, and gentle. With a guy its more raw, rough, and intense. Now don't get me wrong, there are both girls and guys who do both but that's the generality I have come along the lines with.

So I have two favorite kissers, one guy and one girl. Lets start with the girl, she is a friend of mine, sometimes best friends sometimes not, just one of those girls. Anyways, hands down she is still the best kisser. She teases and nibbles and licks and just does everything right. The first time we made out (she still was with her bf at the moment) she told me to not kiss her back. I tried hard not to but she insisted and let me tell you, by far one of the best make out sessions ever. Now for the guy (probably the one story you're more interested in eh?), well it was with the first guy I ever had sex with. You know that guy I talked about in an earlier post who wasn't out and actually sorta dated the first crush I had. Anyways, he was awesome! Good use of tongue, not too much, just the right amount, aggressive but backed off at appropriate times. Not sloppy with saliva everywhere, I don't like that and not boring with just pecking away, don't like that either. He mixed it up quite well and man he was a good kisser. Now I don't want to say if I like the guy or girl better because honestly its like comparing apple and oranges.

So those are my thoughts on kissing. To me this is by far the hottest thing I can do and if a guy or girl can't do it properly, then it won't work out, sorry. But there was one guy who sucked at making out at first and by the end of the night after I thought him...he was almost as good as me lol.

Peace brothas!

K2 and Australia

2010-06-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

So I don't know if you guys know but K2's guy from Australia is in the states visiting him for a month and just got here I believe on Friday. I have no idea why this bothers me so when it really shouldn't. Yes I do admit that I liked K2 for awhile and probably still do but I think (and this was pointed out by a friend) that I liked the idea of the company even more so than I did like him, but who knows. Anyways I've started talking to a new guy, he's gay and out but straight acting and way cute. We're hopefully going to meet up, he is younger though than me, 21, which isn't bad but we'll see. Ugh I just need to really find a bf already so I can see if this is for me or whether I should go the straight route.

Short post for now but on a side note, the guy in the middle in the above pic, looks very similar to my straight/bi fuck bud, body and face and all. I lucked out to get such a hot guy to play with, now just wish I could get him to make out. Oh reminds me, I wanted to make a post about kissing, next blog. Until then peace out bros!

these are my confessions

2010-06-02T00:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry its been awhile since I posted. Been sick and stuff, but I'm all better now thank God. So where to start...well I went down to socal to spend a weekend with that guy I told you about who came back into my life out of no where. K2 I think is what I named him. Anyways, K2 and I never met in person until I went to spend that weekend with him, needless to say I was very nervous. He met up with me after I spent some time with my best friend and she had to leave to do other things but they met for like a minute or so. K2 is very cute in person, way out of my league I think. Anyways he was a very good host, although he did have work so we only hung out at night and I moped around his apartment during the day, which was good for me since I got some rest.

Well on to my confessions story, K2 and I discussed that there'd be no hanky panky when I was in town, I could sleep in his bed but no hanky panky. I gladly agreed because I didn't want to start anything bad with him you know. Well, mix 2 guys out with plenty of alcohol and yeah, shtuff happens. Needless to say we hooked up, but it doesn't really count because we didn't finish, also we don't remember very much of it, like who started it. I'm pretty sure I flirted but he went in for the kiss...because I usually do the whole lean forward thing but not initiate the kiss, just to get close to see what the other guy would do.

So why am I confessing...because this guy has another guy, well not official and he claims its not serious, but it seems way serious. The other guy is in another country but he will be visiting in I think its 2 weeks now that he'll be here, for A MONTH. Plus other guy sends K2 money sometimes, so serious? I think so...and get this IDK if K2 is gonna come clean with what happened. He was going to before but then he didn't and now I don't know. IDK if I like K2, I've been kinda torturing myself over this because I do but I don't. He's kinda too gay for me at times but he's so interesting, dorky, but lovable. Like right now, we're chatting on AIM but he lags and I know its because he's talking to his other guy. UGH it kills me because a part of me thinks he had some sort of feelings for me...especially since he asked me certain questions but now IDK. What do you guys think?

Guilty pleasures

2010-05-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

So if you don't know who the above is, his name is Matt Lanter. He plays the role of Liam on 90210, a show that is my guilty pleasure. Its actually really good and Liam is such a hottie. I've always wanted to grow out my hair to what he has....tried it once, didn't work out but I think its because I didn't have it cut right so I just might try it out again. Any thoughts bros?

sooooo

2010-05-11T12:07:00.003-07:00

So...straight f bud wants to try new things...kinda exciting lol

buying a house

2010-05-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

So I'm actively looking for property to buy right now and that, along with work, has taken up most of my time and that's primarily the reason for my lack of posting. I haven't had much of a life really, just the usual work, chilling with friends. I was trying to hook up with this friend of mine, a girl btw, but she has a bf. Long story short, we were back at my place, along with everyone else, and she was in my bed and we were making out and what not and I started to finger her but after awhile she kinda freaked out and got up and left. Could be because my door was open and so everyone could see what was going on, but she claims she sobered up...but also I think she realizes she didn't want to cheat on her bf. But dude, she was all complaining that now she was freakin horny and shit lol. I called her out on it and she didn't say anything because she knows I would go through with it. It was fun but whatever. Apparently I'm the only one she has "cheated" with on her bf.

Anyways, I hooked up with a "straight" guy again, he never did anything with another guy. Some jock who was in town for work. Typical jock, played football and did wrestling in high school, was curious. For the first time, I took a load in my mouth and it wasn't that bad and no I didn't swallow. He told me I had a perfect body...yep the working out is paying off, others have noticed too but I'm still trying to get my body back to where it was. If you really want to see where I was before, then email me and I'll show you (discreetbiguy08@gmail.com)

So in other news, I think I'm going to go down south again, this time to visit K2...I'm really digging this guy and I think I'm going to give up sex again, not for him, but for my own good. I should really stop and just be good and focus on having a relationship rather than the hook ups. Its getting old and kinda lame really. Thoughts bros?

Peace

K Number 2

2010-04-16T00:37:00.000-07:00

So if you don't know, the guy pictured above is the jock from Glee. Yes I watch Glee and you know what I don't care. Its a good show, just give it a chance (right Frat Closet Case?) Anyways so the reason I post this guy's pic is because remember that one post I wrote about someone coming back into my life after they left for so long. Well lets call him K number 2 or K2 for short. So K2 looks pretty similar to the guy above from Glee. Now K2 versus K, idk they both have their things. K2 is more likely though just because I think he's more aware of this whole guy thing than K. So K2 like K lives down south and I'm really considering visiting him. What do you guys think? I really think I need to move, but this economy bites and its hard to get a job, even with my profession...which is pretty scary considering it was really easy a few years back to get a job anywhere...

Peace Bros

K

2010-04-07T01:35:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it is about K, even after not texting for awhile, he still has this hold over me. Things would be awesome if we were together and I could say I'd be pretty happy. K falls out of the norm though in terms of what I go. He is not muscular nor very jocky, but what he lacks there he makes up for in personality and adorable face. Face to me wins over body just because you can always work on the body, you can't really work on the face, with the exception of plastic surgery.

In other news, I hooked up last night with the 30 year old I blogged about several weeks ago. His first time topping a guy and he liked it. It was also my first time rimming and it wasn't bad and I appreciated that he cleaned up. Anyways sucks he isn't into kissing but I'ma try and change that, I am a good kisser by the way. Just a quick update, I'll try and write more soon. Anything you guys want to know? Just ask and maybe just maybe I'll write about it.

PeaceOUT brothas

8000

2010-04-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, it's because my laptop died and I needed to get a new one. Now I do have a new one. So haven't been up to much besides work and going out with friends. I feel like I might be overly flirty with one coworker of mine who's engaged. But if she was single I think we would make a good couple. We have a good amount in common but no so much that it gets boring and annoying you know. It was fun going out with her for the first time and I was her pretend fiance when we were out so guys wouldn't hit on her. It was hilarious when a guy would try to and I was like holding her hand up with the ring on as I danced with her. Speaking of dancing, I know that its kinda a gay thing, but dude I don't see it that way. Being able to dance is a turn on, guy or girl. Just think about it, its hot to see a girl dance and move her body all sexy right? Well for a guy (for me at least) its hot to see a guy who dances all tough, like b-boys, that shit is hard...I've tried lol. Thoughts?

So about the subject heading. Well thats the amount of money I've spent in the past 2 months on stuff I wanted/needed. I know, quite excessive really. Its ok that's like a quarter of what I've made already this year...actually a little less than 1/4.

Finally the pic, well if you don't know by now, the pics I put up are either the guys I've hooked up with or look alikes of the guys I've hooked up with. This particular pic is a look a like of a straight guy who I was talking to on Loopt Mix (an app for iphone). He clearly wrote interested in women and I just kept pursuing him. Well he finally gave in and tried it out last night. He wanted to try getting fucked and so we did but he was in too much pain...understandable but I think he'll be back for more. Well we started off with me giving him head...then i fingered him and he said to stop after awhile and wanted me to ride him but instead I rubbed my dick on his hole and saw and felt how hard he got so I decided to try and fuck him. It was a bit awkward and I assume painful for him so we stopped and I ended up riding him until we both came. Well that's it for now. Any thoughts or comments, I'd appreciate it.

all americans

2010-03-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

So this pic is a pic of David. He was the first guy to top me EVER and if you read my earlier entries you can get detail of how that went about. I found him on facebook and have tried to contact him but I don't think he'll respond. He was a really cool and chill guy but I don't know what happened. When he moved away we cammed once or twice and that was fun. He would have been an awesome bf if I knew him earlier.

Anyways on to all americans. So all american/frat type guys are my type. There's something about that all american look that gets me. But I do enjoy a hip hope white boy / thug white boy at times too. Not too ghetto though. I've been good latley, no hook ups after that guy I posted about last time. I'm hoping to meet up with him sometime soon but he's way busy but that's understandable.

In other news, I got a fat paycheck, just about 5000 after taxes, I swear half my pay goes to taxes. So I normally check out the mall on my days off but I can't do that because I gave up shopping for Lent, yes shopping. Its just to teach me to use the clothes I do have. Shit I found stuff with tags on them lol. Now I only have a lotta clothes now because as a child I had nothing. Literally I'm a rags to riches story. Went from the ghetto (yes ghetto! i survived a drive by..) to the good life. Now don't think I'm overly wealthy because I'm not and I have a lot of debt to cover. Also, money isn't everything folks, it really isn't. I'd trade all the money I have to find a chill guy to kick it with and figure if I really want to end up with a guy or girl.

Ultimately though, I do want a family so this being bi thing may just have to end soon...

FWB

2010-03-16T02:10:00.000-07:00

First lets begin by saying I read Secrets of an All American's blog and was pretty damn jealous that he found a fuck bud on craigslist and was wondering why I never lucked out as much as him. I mean I've had my fair share of hot straight/discreet guys, but I haven't had a fuck bud in awhile. Well I mean there's the football player but he's kinda let himself go on the off season and put on quite a bit of weight. So anyways I thought I'd post on craigslist and see if I luck out and dude it must be the luck of the Irish because a genuine hot guy replied. He is 30 and never did anything with a guy. So anyways after a few emails and exchanging of numbers and a few texts he comes over and we chat it up for a bit. He was in a hurry coz he has work in the morning but anyways I made the first move like he requested and then we take it back to my bedroom. Now being a guy's first is always tricky not knowing what they'll be up for but after some sucking, I moved my way up (I like to kiss). So I didn't know how he would feel about it but he went in for it too and granted he's not the best kisser, a bit sloppy, but I was pleasantly surprised. Now he had already gotten off earlier and so it was a bit of work. Another surprise he went down on me too. Anyways it was a fun time and I hope he is serious about being fwb. This just reaffirms to me that hot guys are out there, DO NOT SETTLE EVER!

BTW that pic I put up is very similar to how he looks like. He has more muscle than the guy in the pic.

work life bites

2010-03-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

Work so gets in the way of life. Well not really because I manage to make time to go out and stuff. Got to see Pauly D up in Sac and got to fist pump with him, which was pretty cool. As far as his DJ skills go, he's more like a playlist chooser. Not anything against him, but I appreciate awesome DJ'ing, yes its quite a skill if you know anything about mixing (not that I know all that much).

As far as guys go, K is up in here this weekend but he's with friends all weekend for their graduation. Its cool though, we still text and he definitely wants to hangout and rage again. Of all the guys he's the one I just get hung up on. He has this new pic and he's so damn cute it freakin kills me. Finally met up with A and hungout with him. Was kinda upset because I felt ignored the whole night but it was all good, it was his birthday and he should do what he wanted with his friends. At the end of the night though he called me and wanted to hangout with me but his friends would not let him go with me. It was DRAMA for no reason and I was being the good guy and telling him go home with his friends...nevertheless he went home with his friends. T and I still text randomly and I'm sure if I was down where he was we'd hangout plenty.

Now as far as new guys, there's this guy named Drew, he as a gf. I'm not sure how real he is or what he's doing talking to me but he's hot, from what I've seen. Hopefully we get to meet up soon, he says we will I just got to be patient. Then there's Matthew, some straight guy that I hit up and now he wants to experiment. Matthew is more likely going to happen its just a matter of time lol. Then there's this local jock at the the school I went to. I'm pretty sure its this volleyball player but I can't tell because I've seen one pic of him. Well he's on spring break now but we'll be hanging out when he gets back. That pretty much sums up the guys life.

Now onto the girls. Made out with my coworker again and she tried to rape me but I didn't go through with it because she's not really my type and she TALKS. No secret I've ever told her remains a secret so yeah. I have a vid of her fingering herself on my bed though lol. We went to second base that night, almost 3rd but I just stopped it.

P.S. that is a pic of the first guy I ever messed with

straight guys

2010-02-18T23:15:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about straight guys, but they're all I'm attracted to. So anyways today this guy on Loopt messages me, get around to talking and stuff. He's really chill, showed him my face pic, he says I'm cute (I get cute a lot, I'm sure I told you). Anyways we get to talking and we say we should hangout....then he mentions he has a gf. So I dunno what he wants, but it'd be nice to have another guy friend to chill with. FYI, this pic is not him. I wouldn't dare post a pic of a guy who's straight/curious, I respect everyone's privacy.

Let's see what else. I think K is seeing a guy, did I mention that already? If I did, disregard the following. But man he's so damn cute and his new facebook profile pic is so damn cute, it kills me. If he is seeing the guy I think he's seeing, I'm happy for him because that guy is a catch for sure. Anyways, any thoughts on the following guy's pic? Cute eh?

so freakin busy

2010-02-08T11:04:00.000-08:00

So its one month into the year and i've made almost 20k already. WOW! I need to chill off the work. I need to buy property stat or else I'm gonna be paying taxes like crazy. Anyways I wonder how many people even read this...

So the pic to the left is of a guy I hooked up with. He never topped before and only gotten head once. He was pretty hot, huge too, 7.5 and thick.

Anyways, K has been really busy and we hardly text now a days. I actually think he's seeing some guy close by him which is fine but honestly, I wish that guy was me. Of the 3 guys, K, T, and A...K is by far the one I like the most. A I haven't even met but he did randomly message me asking about when we were going out...interesting as he didn't want to anymore last time we talked. As far as T is concerned, he's chill, we text but its kinda lame, just the usual hi and what not.

I need to relocate, any ideas anyone? Also any ideas to increase readership?

LA trip

2010-02-04T00:11:00.000-08:00

So this past weekend I had a blast in LA and hung out with my friends. Its always good catching up and just chilling. Didn't do anything crazy really. I did get to finaly meet and hang out with T and he's really chill. We hung out for a long time before we got a bit friendly. It was funny coz it was one of those moments were we kept looking at each other and we were both afraid to obviously make the first move. I then got bold and started getting him comfortable by closing the curtains, turning down the lights and telling him to sit on the bed. Then after a long while of more chilling i said he was more shy than me and that's funny. From there something happened that just led to us kissing and making out. I'll leave the rest up for you imagination.

Honestly though, when I first saw him I was like ok he looks good and then chatting it up I was like man I could so tell he's gay or at least bi LOL. So speaking of gaydar, how good is yours?

Why come back?

2010-01-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

I don't get why people would go back to a place or person if they always have trouble with that place or person. I was at work the other day and some lady comes in and seriously I always have trouble with her. She always mutters under her breath and she's just pretty much a bitter person, always complaining, and never happy. Ugh so frustrating, if we trouble you, why do you come back?

Anyways, so I'm heading down south Friday and was hoping to meet up with T but it seems like it may not happen, that's kinda bumming me out. K is busy so thats ok but man I really wanna see him again. And as for A, he's being a dick and pulled the whole "do you know how many guys hit on me" line. Wow, seriously right?

In other news, some low life got a hold of my debit card info which I found out about today but thankfully I got a smart bank. Shut them down before they could do anything. So i'd post a pic of the guys I'm talking to but I really just don't want to be traced. It's quite easy to trace someone by a picture, trust me, I'm not a computer geek but its really easy to figure out who someone is now a days with just the slightest clue. So if you want to talk to me or email me then go right ahead and I'll share with you pics of the guys I'm talking to. Discreetbiguy08@gmail.com is the info so hit me up.

mike

2010-01-18T10:38:00.000-08:00

so one of the first guys i ever fell for (who i never met btw) was mike. he was some guy at ucsb who was not out but gay and he knew it. well i dunno why but he was so the type of guy i wanted and i had two moments where we could have met. one when he was drunk and wanted me over but i was too tired to drive and another guy was coming over anyways. the second was when i actually took a cab over but he never picked up his phone coz he passed out drunk, WTF right?

anyways i'm writing this post because i was a bit horny and texted him randomly and i get a text this morning with him saying to delete his number. our last conversation didn't end well and he brought up the fact that i slept with his ex bf (my first time having sex with a guy). for starters, they were never together, just fuck buds according to his ex. also, i let him know in advance what was going to happen and he was fine with it. lastly, he ditched me remember, so what was i to do. anyways, i've deleted his number (although it'd be easy to get if i wanted it).

whats wrong with me? why have i gotten into a slump lately, i mean i've been doing ok and i got K and T so wtf. i think its because K and T are down south and i'm up here and honestly, i need a bf. anyone know some guys in norcal?

yes that is a pic of mike, cute huh?

what you think...?

2010-01-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

just a pic of me...

let down

2010-01-16T17:54:00.000-08:00

quick post as i get ready to head to the city for a night out with friends. man i feel bad that i let down A but i made these plans before i made that date and i messed up double booking. we'll see what happens. i'm still hung up on K, can't meet up with him when i'm down south, but T and i are meeting up. honestly, i just want a bf right now. i need to get out of this town so its more likely to happen.

oh i dreamt about k, lame but it just had to do with a text message and i almost thought it was real until i checked my phone. still wonder what will happen with that. i'm not texting him as much right now because i don't want to be overbearing.

thanks frat closet case for the iphone app loopt, kinda cool but still lame where i'm at haha. secrets of an all american, i miss your posts, we need to chat it up sometime. anyone else want to chat, just email me at discreetbiguy08@gmail.com

date?

2010-01-13T01:44:00.000-08:00

So I forgot to tell you about this guy, lets call him A. Well A and I met two years ago online and ever since then have been on and off friends, texts here and there and I think 2 failed attempts at meeting. Well we started texting again this past week and I said we should hang out and stuff and yeah..it seems like a possible date is in the making. A is not my type as I go for white guys and he's Latino BUT he is cute and looks white mostly, at least to me he does. I'm not quite sure if I'll make it out to the city for our "date" this weekend but I'ma try. In other news, footballer guy is still around but haven't had a chance to drop by, maybe soon? I hope so I need to get some and fast.

So since I'm going down south in a few weeks, do you think I should try and hangout with K. I already have plans to meet up with T which I hope works out, but K I could hangout with at night. I could tell him to meet me and my friends and he could bring his friends and we could all drink up like we did in SF. Then try to wander off again haha. I wonder if he's free. We haven't texted much really, just hi here and there. I'm trying not to text him but we'll see. Why do I keep thinkiing about our little time together. It honestly was one of those moments on TV where the couple wanders the street and finds a spot and one pulls the other in to kiss and its all a makeout session up against the wall. It just keeps replaying in my head, emo much?

K

2010-01-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

So last night I headed out to the city to meet up with K and his friends. I brought along my friends too. We drank and danced the night away and a good time was had by all. Met up with my friend's friends and they were really chill which is awesome because I was scared I wouldn't get along with them. I for one am a chill guy and just go with the flow. Anyways so in the middle of the night, K and I try to execute our plan to wander off together. K informs me his friends want to leave but he'll stay with me. Anyways, we find each other and we were going to wander off and as we walk through the crowd who do we run into but his friends and my friends. FUCKIN-ay right? Well needless to say he had to leave, right when he left he gave me a slight hug and a knock on the head, it was adorable.

I texted him to come back but he couldn't. So the night is ending and my friend's friends were going to take us to some club that they knew the owners to and we would be able to chill afterwards and just have the entire club to ourselves. Well outside as we were waiting and figuring stuff out, I'm texting back and forth with K and we decide to hang out outside his hotel. My friend was so kind enough to drive me over there (while she waited in the car for me, honestly what an awesome friend right? i'm so blessed). So I'm wandering sidewalk by the hotel and i'm texting K figuring where he is at when I hear him across the street. So I run across and we start walking and just talking. We get to an empty street and just go by a door and he leans in and kisses me. Quite suprised because when we talked before we agreed I'd make the first move. Anyways we make out for a good amount of time until we thought a bus was coming, turns out it was a truck. Anyways back to talking, kissing, making out and holding each other. Truck driver comes closer and I swear he's just watching us.

Time passes by and K needs to get back before his friends wonder where he is...did I mention he's not out and I'm like the 4th or so guy he's ever kissed. So anyways, it just all felt so right. For the first time, I actually felt happy and K is just so cute and man we get along and our friends get along. We talked about how much it sucks we don't live closer...and he's moving away but I'm keeping him in my life, even as a friend. So I walk him back to the hotel door and we hug, kiss and he says "it was good seeing you." Seriously, I walked away back to my friends car and met up with our other friends. The whole time I was thinking about what happened. I was and am still a bit emo. I'm hoping to text K later tonight, we'll be apart but both prolly drunk like usual.

I'm heading down south later this month and I'm meeting up with T, we'll see how that goes...but really right now, I'm hoping I can get K to come out and yeah. Its weird because he does not have the body type I like, but everything else about him is so just right. Listen to me, I'm all giddy over someone who lives on another end of the state from me. I always said if it's meant to be it's meant to be....why can't it just be meant to be?

2010

2010-01-06T21:35:00.000-08:00

So lets see I've been quite busy with work and all. Also I almost met up with some reader of the blog whose craigslist I had answered. If you're reading this, too bad we didn't meet up. So where to start. Well you know that one guy I tell you about, K, from LA...well he'll be up here tomorrow night and I'm going with a bunch of friends to go hang out with him. Yes my friends know about me and no they don't know about him. His friends he's going with don't know about him either so who knows if anything will happen, but a good time will be had. Hopefully we can at least kiss at some point during the night. I'm actually a bit nervous about this whole thing because he's so damn cute. I freakin went and got a haircut today so I could look my best haha.

In other news, I'm flying down south to meet up with T and yeah, we're gonna hook up haha. He keeps saying he's a fat ass, but I don't think so. He's stocky yes, but he's built and he's hot. I think he's going to realize he likes guys more than he thinks. Can't wait to go down south and meet up with my friends and also get some.

So...this year I would like to find myself a bf. Just to see how it is. I've been denying girls left and right just because I haven't experienced a bf and I don't think its fair for me to not explore that right? Any thoughts on this?

there goes that goal

2009-12-29T12:15:00.000-08:00

So this is a quick blog before I head off to work. So I had this goal to remain celibate for 6 months and I started this in late October but kept breaking it in November so I restarted it late November. Well I was going way strong and did just about 4 weeks and then last night happened. I got to head to work so can't type much but a bi military guy came over and I was going to bottom but the roles got reversed and I ended up on top. It was only his 2nd time bottoming but it was good for both of us lol.

PeaceOUT

P.S. To All American, it was weird for me the first few times...shit its still kinda weird for me now. It must have been weirder for it to have been a friend though.

who would have thought

2009-12-10T22:54:00.000-08:00

wow, seriously...so there was this guy i use to talk to online about 2 years ago when i lived down south. always wanted to hang out with him but couldn't because he was moving to australia for school. anyways fast forward to a few nights ago when i logged in to some site and he messaged me and added me as a friend. messaged him back and then shot him my number. now tonight we're texting. this guy is very much my type and he is down to hangout...so we'll see where this goes. only thing that sucks, he's down south and i'm up north. but a great surprise nevertheless.

when did my life get so awesome? im sad for 2009 ending. it did start rough but man its been the best year i've had in a long time if not the best year of my life.

things that irk me

2009-12-09T00:03:00.001-08:00

yes this is me and this was my body when i was shredded...i did p90x and got into really great shape. my friends (girls) would always feel up on me and said i was hot. i'm still in decent shape though, no mistake about it. plus despite how great in shape you are, you can't change the face bro and thankfully i'm cute. again, cute wins for me over hot.

anyways onto things that irk me. i dislike laziness and lets just say a coworker of mine is so lazy. i dunno about you guys but i'm a team player and will not leave someone hanging...i guess its because i did sports in high school.
another thing that irks me are guys who are interested in you one second then they just blow you off without any word...way to be a jerk and not say anything at least. courtesy is just something i thought everyone was taught as a child, apparently i'm wrong.

despite these little things, i've witnessed good still exists int he world, THANK GOD!

late nights

2009-12-03T02:45:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking about these past couple nights and it looks like the guys have been rotating. Earlier in the week it was J, the other night K, and this night it was T. Made more progress with T in that i sent him pics and he commented on them. Asked him if we'd hook up and he said he would be down for it, which is quite a complement because T is a hot jock for sure. Speaking of hot jocks, I should get to bed since New Zealand boy is coming by in the morning.

late night chat sessions

2009-12-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Man so K and I texted back and forth last night for about 3 hours. He's not a phone guy and apparently he doesn't even talk to his best friends on the phone. So he sort of has a guy but not sure. Made me kind of jealous, but then I'm trying to date up here too so yeah the distance between us sucks. More and more we talk, the more and more I feel as though we fit. He's going to be moving even farther away and he asked me how I felt about it...I told him the truth and he suggested I move with him...for a guy he hardly knows it threw me a bit off. He now has a nickname to call me by, common nickname I have.

I don't get our friendship because we met up once and it was for seriously like an hour or so. He never really admits to liking me but he never opposes to doing things with me...its just weird.

In other news, J and I talked on the phone two days ago. He called me when I was at work and that was surprising in itself. We're friends on facebook now, or as K would call it, "the face" lol. J is way young but he has this appeal about him.

Oh and I've gone 7 days without sex, that's actually a long time for this past 2 months considering I was getting some every few nights. Man I think I need to have some sex with a girl though, I forgot how thats like. Maybe when I'm drunk enough I'll take up my friends offer, she apparently thinks i'm a good fuck...we haven't even fucked yet haha.

K time for work

PeaceOUT bros!

the guys

2009-11-23T01:48:00.001-08:00

Ok so lets break this down, there's 3 guys right now i constantly talk to...lets name them K, J, T.

So who first, let's start with K. Well K and I met over facebook because I randomly saw him on a friends page and poked him and from there it just became this cool friendship. He lives down south so he's far away but he's way cool and when he was up here we got to meet up one time. He's way chill, cute, a drinker (like me), and just all around a great guy. Now honestly, I think we'd totally be great together if we lived closer and could hang out constantly. Of the 3 guys, he and I just match. Body wise though, he's not all that great, skinny but still body doesn't matter to me that much anymore. So K and I just need to hang out again so I can kiss him already, which he has no objection about. Oh did I mention he's barely recently kissed a guy for the first time...and too bad it wasn't me.

Next guy, let's go with T. Well T also lives down south and this guy is the total good looking all american football jock. You would never guess for him to be into guys and he is still mainly into girls but he just fucks around with guys to get off. Now he's a way chill guy and we met through some online site for guys who are on the DL and lost touch but then we got reacquainted on facebook. I forget how, through a friend I think and I messaged him randomly. From there we chatted on facebook and what not...then I gave him my number and he gave me his. I text him randomly and most of the times he responds, we're just both chill and get bored. Anyways the other night when I was out with my friends, I texted him saying I hope he is drinking and he was. Later in the night he texts me to send him some nudes...I of course smiled as I read that and my friends tried to take my phone, which luckily they didn't. Anyways he sent me this shirtless pic and wow, he is way hot. So I sent him an ass pic and a shirtless pic as well. oh yeah, we haven't met yet.

Finally there's J. I've already mentioned him, he's the guy I went to hang out with. Well we're supposed to hang out again soon and I tried to today but he got busy so maybe next week, we'll see. He is way cool and cute and just accessible since he's only an hour away compared to the other two who are 5 hours away. Well J confuses me because sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn't, I need to learn not to read too much into things and just kind of let this dating thing happen. Its hard because I'm eager for a relationship right now. I wonder if it will ever happen.

Oh just so you know, I'm not white. I bet that loses some readers because apparently everyone wants a white guy. Well I somehow make the exception on most peoples list, guess cute wins sometimes. Anyways, time for bed.

peaceOUT

40 questions...but a bitch ain't one hahha

2009-11-23T01:18:00.000-08:00

1. Name? (screen name is fine)
i'd give ya my fake name but my friends know that name too since i use it when i go out...so discreetbiguy08 for now..

2. Are you a boy or girl?
Boy

3. How old are you?
just turned 25 but apparently look way young

4. Are you straight, gay, bi or unsure
Bi

5. Whats your favorite color?
blue

6. Whats your favorite food?
anything my mom makes

7. If you could choose only one type of food for the rest of you life, what type would it be? (ex. Italian, chinese, french, etc.)
korean possibly...its just soooo goood

8. How tall are you?
5'8"

9. Hair color?
dark brown/black

10. Whats your favorite movie?
cruel intentions

11. Favorite book?
catcher in the rye

12. Favorite tv show?
friends

13. What are your hobbies?
volleyball, music, art, food

14. What is the #1 thing that grosses you out?
things that smell bad...i hate it

15. Are you a virgin?
yes...lol..who am i kidding

16. If no, how far have you gone? (list both with boys and girls)
all the way with both

17. Are you athletic? What sports?
was in better shape but work got in the way of working out...will get back in shape though i'm not out of shape right now

18. For guys: How big are you? (you know what I mean... lol) Are you cut or uncut?
6-6.5cut

19. For girls: Whats your bra size?

20. Are you happy with your size?
wish it were bigger, but i've seen guys smaller and thinner than me so i know i'm not bad lol

21. Do you like, tolerate or get disgusted when you see an attractive person of the opposite sex?
like

22. What do you want to do with your life?
live it as much as i can

23. Do you masturbate? how many times a day?
usually every night before bed...

24. Do you have a "special" toy? (again you all know what I mean... lol)
no, someone send me one lol

25. Have you ever broken a bone or had another serious injury or sickness? Explain.
eh..tonsilitis real bad...i had to get a rocephin shot if anyone knows how that goes...yeah PAIN

26. What do you think is your most attractive feature?
i have no idea, i don't think i'm attractive but apparently i'm cute..

27. What do you think is your least attractive feature?
jawline...i want a better one

28. If there is one thing in your life you could change, what would that be?
nada, i love my life

29. Are you in a relationship? explain a little (boy, girl, short term, long term, etc)
not at all...*sigh

30. When was the last time you got some sexual action? (of any type)
lol i just got a hj from some guy

31. Mac or PC?
PC but switching over soon

32. Iphone, Blackberry, other PDA, or regular cell phone?
iPhone

33. Do you have any pets? Which ones?
dogs at home, yoshi and cali

34. For gay and bi guys: Are you a top or bottom?
both, kinda liking bottom now though

35. Whats the one thing in your life you are most proud of?
my job since i worked hard to get to where i'm at

36. Where is the weirdest place you masturbated or had sex?
in a kitchen during a party and people were walking in and out of that kitchen..WOW

37. Most number of times you came in a day?
can't remember i think like 6...started to hurt after awhile

38. What are you most afraid of?
dying alone

39. Favorite porn star?
eh none really, the corbin fisher guys are all pretty hot though

40. Do you have a blog? What is it?
umm this thing i'm writing on right now

..finishing last post up

2009-11-20T12:13:00.000-08:00

...so work has been good the past 2 days which is much needed due to what happened 3 days ago. i would go into detail but you know, its all private stuff...lets just say it was hectic and i'm hoping it all blows over...

In other news, the boy I met and I haven't really been texting, mainly me asking him how he's doing. Told him I'm up for a movie this weekend if he's free but its up to him. So i'm not gonna text him anymore and let him make up his mind. The more I think about it, the more I realize it won't work out, even just friends...because I can't be friends with a guy I'm attracted, can you? I mean the one or two few gay guy friends I have I am not even attracted to at all. Not to say one of them isn't good looking, but he's just not my type. Unfortunately when it comes to guys, I really am only attracted to white guys, is this weird?

So I was on facebook and saw the updates of the guy I "dated" last, he was my rebound and man I keep thinking WTF was I thinking. He doesn't look good, he's not my type, and he's WEIRD. No more lowering standards, especially after realizing I can get a hot guy and pretty girl...plus...I get cute a lot.

Well about posting pics...I so would but see I have this tattoo on my body and no one in the world would have it so obviously it'd be traced back to me...plus I have a birth mark on my body too...so kinda hard to be discreet. But maybe if I get to know you better *cough* Secrets of an All American *cough*, I may send you a pic. Or at least a body pic you know haha. Well I got tons of stuff to take care of and hopefully I can get my stuff done today.

PeaceOUT

sex and sappy

2009-11-17T00:33:00.000-08:00

Started the morning with the football player from New Zealand stopping by for some fun. Its fun and God knows I needed to get laid, but its nothing more than meaningless sex. Oh well, I'm not complaining because one thing is its good sex and second thing is he's got a nice body, masculine and football build. I'm just glad its good sex because bad sex is just a waste of time, don't you think?

So work was very stressful and I was very irritated today. I swear the demographics at this one particular place I have to work at is way below average. Honestly, its annoying because these people are where our tax dollars are going to and lots of my pay is taken away by taxes. Honestly, don't people generally want better for themself?

...so i'll have to finish this post later, i totally fell asleep doing this and now its time for work...

PeaceOUT

back from a "date"

2009-11-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

so i drove about an hour away to meet up with some kid i met online and have been texting with and I'm glad I decided to drive out there. He is way chill, awesome, and cute. So we just hung out, he showed me around, we talked and got to know each other. He is dorky but in a good way and I think. Now he isn't hot like fit and all that but I take cute over hot any day. Dude he is way adorable and makes you just want to hug him. So anyways, he ends the night saying he just wants to be friends, gay buds with some fun here and there. He tells me midway through the night that he was sorta seeing someone else which is fine by me. Now at the end...he hugs me as he is about to get out of the car but then we end up kissing..."shouldn't have done that" he says and he feels guilty. I feel bad because as much as I wanted to kiss him, I didn't push it knowing he was seeing someone, but it just kind of happened anyways. All in all, it was a great time hanging out with him and I hope we get to hang out again even just as friends. I don't really have any gay buds and I think I need some, hanging with girls all the time is quite annoying. Speaking of girls, I'm hanging with one of my best friends tonight and dude, I had a trippy ass dream that she leaned in and made out with me when she was drunk...here's the weird part...I'm not sure if it was just a dream or not, I CAN'T REMEMBER if this actually happened. CRAP! I have thought about dating her at one or two points but no can do, like I said, right now I want a bf to see how that goes. Anyways, shes on her way and I need to eat something coz i'm HUNGARY (yes i spelled it like the country on purpose!)

PeaceOut

busy busy busy

2009-11-11T10:46:00.000-08:00

So I'm a bit sick as I do this post and naturally I'm loading up on the necessary meds to kick this shiz's ass (you should have guessed by now what profession or at least what field I'm in). Well the other night I was up and was looking at my upcoming paycheck and I realized wow I'm averaging about 100 hours per 2 weeks of work, crazy huh? It sucks because almost half my paycheck goes to taxes, damn you people that I pay for you meds and you still drive nicer cars and wear nicer clothes than me. Don't get me wrong, I know some people need the help but there are plenty and I mean plenty who just abuse the system which irritates me.

So halloween was quite fun, did a party bus with some friends, friend got wasted and she puked on me and we didn't get to stay in SF the next day like we had planned because she was too sick. Oh well. See girls can't handle and that's one thing that I do not like lol. The holidays are upon us and I agree with Secrets of an All American about Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday mainly because I'm big on family and friends. I love seeing everyone get together, enjoying some good food and drinks and then sitting around just telling stories or playing games. Its always a good time and I always sit there and think life is perfect at that moment, now if only I had a guy to bring home as well.

Wait did I just say guy? Yup, well I was thinking about what I want right now and its a guy because first of all I never been with a guy so I need to see how it is to have a bf and second of all, if I got a gf right now, I just don't know how I would handle it all. I DO NOT want to cheat on her because I'm interested in guys and right now, I'm in a guy phase. Don't get me wrong, there's this really cute girl I started working with at some other store I float to and then there's that one girl I met through a coworker who has been a good friend lately but she hella hit up my phone one night...also she tries to get me drunk...hmmm AND she has a bf...uh oh not this again, STORY OF MY LIFE. Always messing with someone taken. Then there's the New Zealander guy...so I found out he's a football player for the local JC, I knew he was because he always comes by in gym clothes. Can't believe I'm messing around with a football jock lol. He's kind of a fuck bud, I text him when I'm horny and sometimes he comes by. For being such a jock, he really likes to make out which I'm not against because thats probably my most favorite thing to do. What about you? What is your favorite thing to do with a guy or girl, it don't matter.

Anyways this post has turned out to be longer than I planned. I just finished making some food for a potluck at work today, it should help with my little cold as well. So that cute girl I started working with was like, "damn, that's sexy" when I told her I can cook all types of food. Is it really sexy? Oh one more thing, cute or hot? What wins in your opinion, I say cute because hot gets old and less hot later in time lol. Alright I need to rest up and get ready for work, peace out!

random thoughts

2009-10-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

First of shout out to Secrets of an All American, GREAT BLOG! Also to For My Sake because of his stream of consciousness post, that was pretty legit. So lets see, whats new? Can't wait for halloween, it should be fun. Party bus and the city, always a great combo. As far as work life, it's ok, took a temporary managerial position so that should be interesting. Everyone is pushing for me to take it permanently but I just cannot see myself staying in Stockton. Really though, is it realistic for me to move across the state for friends and particularly a guy? Seriously, I don't even know how into me this guy is, though he has become an awesome friend and yes I know he's into guys but how into, I am and he is, still figuring out. Ugh, so I dunno what to do, I'ma just see how this temp thing works out I guess right? Any advice from my fellow bloggers and readers will be much appreciated =)

What else? Nothing much really, attended exotic erotic ball in SF this past weekend, that was ok. Expected more, but it was crazy nonetheless. Not else much new with me, I want to find a volleyball league to join you know for some fun since I miss playing it and all. Plus it'll allow me to take out some frustrations. Try and guess my position, you'd be surprised I'm sure.

day off

2009-10-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

So it's my day off today and I texted New Zealand guy last night before bed just to see if he'd be able to come by in the morning for some fun...woke up this morning to a text from him saying he can. Stayed in bed until I heard a doorbell and its him. He now has a shaved head, still some hair, not bald, but he has a mohawk and its pretty rad and hot on him. So we just head to the bedroom and start going at it. Starts of with some gentle making out and I'm surprised how gentle he's being but you know it ends up building to more and more aggression. For a beefy guy he really likes making out and giving oral, something I've noticed in our pass sessions. Now don't think this guy is anything more than a hook up buddy because thats all he is. I don't text him for anything else and I don't think he wants anything else anyways. So we did the deed and it was surprisingly crazy this time, like loud moans and aggression taken out, yeah it was hot. So that's how my day off started and then I went into work for some paper work and ended up working a little. Geez I feel such like adult although I still get the occasional kid comment. I bet even so more today since I was wearing Hollister...yes I like Hollister clothes.

Noticed I had a new follower, Secrets of an All American. Just want to say whats up and great blog. To any other readers, if you got questions, I got answers...well for the most part right? Ask away and I'll answer to the best of my knowledge. I've been thinking about posting pics but I just don't know. I don't really care for putting up pics of random guys mainly because I never know if they're real. I'm sure there are pics of me out there and after going through a CRAZY situation, I dare not put myself out as much as before.

P.S. oh and Joe Exec, it was nice talking to you for the short time spand that we did. Definitely hit me up again, could always use another bud to chat it up with.

keeping up

2009-10-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

So working non-stop is not so great obviously but I'm glad to have gotten that experience out of the way and learned what I can and cannot handle. So the title of this is in reference to dating because I think that whoever you date, guy or girl, they have to be able to keep up with you right? Seriously, being a professional, I don't think I would date someone who has no career or goals in mind, why would I? I don't want to come off snobby but I worked hard (and I play hard) so I want someone who can keep up with me. Is that so bad? I mean obviously there are times when you'll have an exception or two but for the most part, the other person has to be able to hold their own or I don't think the relationship will hold out because someone will be taking care of the other. Now this is kind of where it gets a bit blurry because I can see myself taking care of someone. Makes no sense huh? Not that I would be taking care of them completely, they have to be able to still be somewhat independent or doing some sort of fare share. For example, if I end up with a female and she is a stay at home wife, well that to me is keeping up her fare share, what with all the housekeeping, cooking, kids and all. I guess in the end what I'm trying to say is that I don't want a free loader lol.

In other more exciting news, been fooling around with this guy who has a gf, ugh seriously, why do I put myself in these situations. No more I say, NO MAS.

P.S. Shout out to Joe Executive, just learned you were a follower and looks like we're in similar positions. Hmm, ever make it up to my neck of the woods?

so far away

2009-10-12T01:21:00.001-07:00

So i'm dead tired but I'm up talking to my friend from LA, he's the one guy I've been talking to for awhile now who I only met once and yeah, he's just so what I would want in a guy right now, too bad he's soooo damn far. He's not out and he's never done anything with a guy or at least until recently where he kissed one. He says he knows he wants a guy and he wouldn't mind making out with me but it has yet to happen partially because we only met once and I was with coworkers who at the time didn't know about me. *sigh* one of these days

day off before 8 days of hell

2009-10-06T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's my day off before a grueling 8 day massacre, I hope I survive. So this past weekend I attended Lovefest and what a love fest it was. Very interesting as I have never attended a rave. Needless to say, I had quite an adventure. The following day I stayed in SF with my coworkers friend who is my friend now, she kept telling me about her boy troubles as we wandered the streets of SF. Man we went everywhere and you know what, it was a blast. Saw a lot, took some awesome photos and yeah, this girl is awesome. I would date her if things ever worked out, but i'm just going with the flow of things right now. We already had a drunken make out session a few weeks back so its not out of the possibility and she's real chill and pretty and yeah, the list goes on. Its hard though when I've only dated one guy and never had a bf and wanting to experience how that would be..oi, being bi is more frustrating than just choosing a side. Seriously when people say that my pool has just doubled, they forget that it also means twice the frustration and twice the rejection.

In other news, met up with New Zealand guy again, that was fun but I think that was the last session that'll happen. I seriously think he's a football player at the local university and is on the DL about it but is feeling a bit guilty about the whole hooking up with a guy deal, its cool though he has my number if he wants to meet up again. I read a blog about some guy going celibate for 6 months and you know what I was thinking of doing that too. Just to make myself realize I can go without a guy or girl. This of course just means full on sex because really does oral count? Eh if I did choose to go this route, I'd have to think about what is acceptable and what is not, what do you think?

sucka

2009-09-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

I'm such a sucker, geez! I'm scheduled to work 8 days in a row with 5 of those days being 12's, oh how will i survive? Anyways, I need to get back into working out especially since halloween is coming up and I also need to figure out what to be, any suggestions? I've always had amazingly cool costumes all of which I've made. I'd post pics but I'm scared of someone finding this blog and I can't have my professional career on the line as it already kind of is. Well...it's much better now and people higher up are starting to recognize me, I feel good about that. And apparently I'm going to be in charge of the place I trained at until it gets staffed. Stupid one person who doesn't like me is the only reason I'm not permanent there. Anyways, someone asked what field I'm in that makes me in the tope 10-15% income wise...its the health field if that's enough of a hint.

In other news, thanks to Dan in OKC for giving me a shout out on my blog. In response to the idea of being bi, my take on sexuality has nothing to do with sex. It all has to do with relationships and that spiritual connection for me and that's why I define myself as bi. I can easily have sex with either sex, but the connection is what I look for and realized about 2 years ago that I could make a connection with a guy. So that's my take on sexuality...any thoughts?

bday sex

2009-09-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

So it was my birthday this week and the day before I had a day off and got to meet up with guy from craigslist. He was way hot and built, football muscle guy. We pretty much just went at it and it was way hot. It got pretty sweaty and yeah, just a good session. I didn't have lube so we couldn't do more but maybe next time, yes he already is up for meeting up again. So anyways, I was about to cum and he just went down on me and took my load, a bit surprising because I wouldn't think a jock like him would do such a thing...then he comes up and makes out with me, this is a complete first for me and I've wanted to do this before but I dunno just how I feel about it. It was weird..good, but weird. Anyways I felt like he wanted me to take his load when he was about to cum, but I just couldn't do it. After we were done, we just layed there for a bit making out a bit more and then we cleaned up and he had to go. He was really chill though and we talked a bit so it wasn't awkward THANKFULLY. Too bad he's from New Zealand and is only here for school. What luck that I got another hot guy...see what patience does, just wait it out bros, don't settle ever.

melrose place

2009-09-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

i am sitting here watching melrose place and so far its actually pretty good. i'm a loser in the sense i like watching these type of shows, but i'm secure enough with myself to admit it at least. labor day weekend was filled with work but thankfully i had labor day off and went to sf to chill at pier 39 and union square. been having lots of fun lately and life is great. i mean i went to outside lands the other week and am always doing something on my days off. i think i would like a day where i just vegge out but even today i ran errands. anyways, no action lately and i'm way horny. why is there no one around me damn it?

3 12's

2009-09-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

Worked 12 hour + shifts the past 3 days and I got to sleep in today but I have work 1230-9. Its fun but crazy at the same time, especially when you get CRAZY patients. Don't get me wrong, there are those I LOVE and those I DISLIKE (I try not to use the word hate because its a terrible word). Anyways, just been busy working like mad ever since my license posted, can't wait for that first big paycheck, i'm guessing it'll be over 5 G's since they're switching my status over and probably have to pay me 3 weeks worth rather than 2. How exciting yet I have to make sure I don't splurge. Let's see, Socal was way chill and fun, ate like a fat ass, caught up with the besties. Met my bestie's bf, who is really awesome btw and he's been to way more gay bars than me hahaha. Went to a gay bar called Ripples and some guy waiter was cute, saw him in the bathroom and smiled...he came over and started talking to me and my friends but his voice and actions were way girly and that turned me off. Didn't get to see Kevin which sucks. Oh well, I really need to stop looking for a guy and let one find me. Only time will tell I guess.

Lets see, I'm considering moving...I really need to get out of stockton, but the drive to work is so easy. I have no idea what to do with my life...for the first time in a long time, I feel lost...

scott evans

2009-08-20T02:46:00.000-07:00

So I just read about Scott Evans being and openly gay actor and SINGLE. Hopefully I run into him in LA this weekend hehe. Oh the chances, how great would it be to date an actor. That's not likely to happen. Anyways so I sent a pic to Mike just for the hell of it and he texts back "don't text me." I apologize and he texts back bringing up how I slept with his ex and blah blah..but first off he knew I was talking to David and second off he didn't care at the time he said. Seriously though, Mike use to be a nice guy even after he knew I slept with his ex, we still texted. I dunno...why am I hung up on a guy who I've never met and who lives in socal? I guess its because he was the guy who I first related to about being bi and thought we could actually be friends.

Well I'm excited for LA but kinda sad to be missing my friend's bday weekend. He's a semi-closeted guy and we've hung out once but it was fun. It's pretty chill because we aren't each others types so its kinda cool to be able to have a guy who's in the same boat as me and ACTS STRAIGHT. I think I need a group of straight acting gay guys to be able to chill with, then I'll be sane. All my friends are straight and its a bit frustrating at times, but then again..I associate with straight people better. Ok its late and I have hella shit to take care of tomorrow plus I might need to call the Department of Justice...bah I hate dealing with all these government crap just so I can get posted already...

professional?

2009-08-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

being a "professional" is a bit irritating, not because I don't like what I do, but because of this whole notion of what being a professional is. I THINK a professional is a person who does their job to their fullest, despite what they look like or what they do before and after work. Seriously, must i conform all aspects of my life to being a "professional." I would rather much go to a Doctor that has a mohawk and tattoos but knew what he was doing rather than a clean cut doctor who doesn't know shit or give a shit about his patients. We're always taught not to judge a book by its cover and we all are guilty of it, me included, BUT some more so than others. Anyways that's the rant about that topic, on to other things..

Well lets share a story of the first time I hooked up with a guy all the way and yes the 1st time I bottomed. I actually found the guy on craigslist, i forget if he answered mine or I answered his but he was HOT. Typical preppy/skater white guy. Funny thing is, he sorta dated the one guy I was talking to at the same time. The other guy, Mike was and is still a guy I like (another story) and Mike considered David a bf but I don't think David thought of Mike the same way. Well David is "straight" and Mike is gay but closeted. Anyways, somehow I ended up having the place one night and invited David over and we hung out watching tv and chatting then he asked me to dim the lights and I sat down again on my bed...soon we began to make out and yeah kept on making out for a long time until I asked if he wanted to fuck. Well needless to say it didn't last long after being so horny for a long time, well he didn't but we still continued to make out and fool around for the night. So then he left but we kept texting back and forth and emailed back and forth. Tried to get him over one more time before he left for DC for an internship but that was that. We talked like once or twice since he left and now I don't know where he is. Sad because he was cool guy I could have been friends with.

Mike is a whole different story. This guy I have never met and he has been in and out of my life...mainly because I text him randomly and yeah...I dunno he plays with my mind.

All I want is a straight acting white guy, is that so much to ask for?

excited

2009-08-14T00:40:00.000-07:00

So i'm excited to head to LA next week for the weekend. I can't wait to meet up with my best friend, been forever since I saw her. I also hope that Kevin hangs out with me. I dunno what to really expect with him, he says he's never done anything with a guy but he knows he wants to and we text a lot here and there but nothing happened when I met up with him this past weekend in SF. Partially it was because I was with friends and coworkers who have no idea about me...and he kinda blew my cover a bit when he admitted we met on facebook..damn it lol. oh well i'm pretty sure they think it, but just aren't sure. I want to tell them, but I don't at the same time. I dunno, maybe later, I mean i've told close friends and family. This whole thing is just a bit difficult still.

Then there's Britnie who is single again and yeah, just have a little history in that we used to talk and I know she used to like me...ahhhh so difficult being bi because I have no idea what I want. Any advice?

Intro

2009-08-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

So I've been reading blogs about closeted guys for awhile and thought I'd create one of my own. Well stuff about me, I'm 5'9ish lol, weight about 145 give or take 5 depending on my workout level, pretty fit, mixed, dark brown hair, and dark brown eyes. I'm bi and have have told family and close friends, been sorta out since '08? Pretty new to the guy thing, only began in '07. So anyways I'm only 24, turning 25 soon, and I'm already a professional, well considered one at least. Let's just say I'm in the top 15% (i think) or is it top 10% in the nation when it comes to income...crazy huh? Well if you have any questions about me, just ask..i'm a chill guy that likes to have fun and tries to live life. Been trying even harder recently.

So before I go, I would like to share that I just a tattoo last night. I would post a pic, but I'm scared of someone finding this blog...maybe later on or something, but if you want to see it, I'll prolly email it to you...after getting to know you better obviously. The tat is on my ribs btw, so its kinda hot haha. Ok got to get ready for work..